Uzumaki Spiral
by remuus
Summary: [SasuNaru] [AU-ish] Falling in love is a like a spiral; you keep going in circles, but with each moment, you fall closer toward the center, and each other.
1. Ch1: Introduction to Destruction

**Author: **theshinykitty

**Warning: **Lots of cursing. I went 'bastard'-crazy… hehehe… also some shounen-ai. SasuNaru

**Disclaimer**: Naruto me no own.

::falling in love is a like a spiral; you keep going in circles, but with each moment, you fall closer toward the center, and each other::

**

* * *

**

**uzumaki/spiral**

You know that feeling... that feeling when you see someone and _immediately_ think, 'this guy... this is not my kinda guy'.

Well, you magnify that feeling by a million times, and what you get is seeing that person, and wanting to feed them into a wood chipper.

Oh yeah, and THAT'S the feeling I get every time I see... HIM.

'Che, smug bastard and his 'holier than thou' attitude.

He thinks he's so great JUST because he's the top in every one of his classes, and JUST because he _always_ gets the girls, and JUST because everybody loves and adores him and would gladly take a bullet for him if a deranged madman ever tried to shoot him.

Okay... maybe that does make him _kinda_ great.

But the point is, that that deranged madman would fall in love with him at first sight and decide that he could not harm his precious angel. He would just kill everybody else who comes within 10 meters of HIM.

Wait... what?

Okay, my schizophrenia aside, the point is, I HATE HIM.

Who, you ask?

That... ugh... _thing_ over there...

UCHIHA SASUKE.

Sitting there with his... I dunno... _hair_, and his... y'know... _skin_... and his over make-up'ed 'fan club'. If that's what you call a swarm of deranged girls drooling over some guy and going through his tighty whiteys. Okay well I guess that IS what's called a fanclub, a Japanese one at least. I dunno what American fangirls are like, but I really don't want to know.

So _anyways_, let me give you a quick, and _teensy_ bit biased description of the bastard, so you can hate him as much as me.

Ok, first, if there's one thing that stands out about him (and trust me, there's lots), it's his freakishly pale skin. Jesus, you would think he wears an anti-sun suit whenever he decides to venture outside, or goes near an open window.

Next, it's his freakish eyes. It's like, if you look in them, then you'll get sucked into his own personal pool of despair. I guess that's why those girls always get 'lost in his eyes'... or some crazy crap like that.

Then after that, it's his freakish clothing. I mean, there's nothing odd about the clothes design, (school uniforms; mandatory, damn Rock-em Sock-em Robots at City Hall...)

but... the uniform on him... it's like... _neat_. Like he has a million in his closet, and after he wears a set for a day, he throws it away, and wears a new one the next day. I mean, take my uniform for example. MULTIPLE stains, frayed edges, and of course, UN-tucked in shirt. What kind of sick, sick man wears shirts tucked in?!

So, yeah.

And then there's his attitude, I already kinda explained about it, but I'm going to do it again, just 'cause I hate him ever so much, and I won't waste a _single_ opportunity to bitch about him.

Okay, we already covered that he's great, but it's like he doesn't even care! He just sits there non-chalantly, staring into space while his fan club fights over who he likes best in the background.

FEH! I would kill to get some attention! All I got is my lazy ass friend Shikamaru. (Call him Shikky, he hates it. Just do it, it's really funny).

AHEM! So yeah... I hate him.

Oh wait, I forgot one thing.

Hi. I'm Uzumaki Naruto, at-your-service, knight-in-shining-armor, ninja extordinaire!

Oh, yeah, ninja. Yeah, well, me, Shikamaru, and the King of Bastards all attend Konohagakure Military Academy.

No, we're not delinquents. Konohagakure Military Academy, or Konoha Academy for short, we learn how to be... well... ninjas. But class here isn't all taijutsu and muscle training AN: In this world, there is no genjutsu or ninjutsu, oh no, it's much more; history, math, language arts, art, music, the WHOLE shitter. Y'know, so we know how to 'adjust to the situation, depending on the mission'. Art and music I understand, but FLOWER ARRANGING?! Seriously, WTF? When the hell are we ever going to need flower arranging?!

_'Why, hello Nakamura-san! I have this lover-ly bunch of nicely arranged flowers for you!'_

_'Oh, why thank you Uzuma- ARGH!' dies_

_'Hah! Take that! I put deadly flowers in that beautiful arrangement!'_

Okay, seriously.

So... flower arranging. That's the class I'm in right now. Sitting next to my best friend (currently asleep), and staring at that chicken's butt-haired bastard.

Why am I staring at him? Shiit. Okay, back to arranging flowers.

* * *

So, now I'm sitting here, wondering what the hell a 'chrysanthemum' is, and whether or not it goes next to the roses, or the goddamned tulips, when all-of-a-sudden, the bastard supreme walks up to me.

"Uzumaki, we need to talk."

* * *

Hehehehe…. Okie…. Wow, one chapter done…. ARGH! Its my second fanfic… poo…

SO, read and review please!

Helpful criticism welcomed. Flames will be used to make me cry T-T.


	2. Ch2: Rumors are Vicious, Sasuke is Worse

**Author**: theshinykitty

**Warning:** Cursing, Shounen-Ai (not a lot… ), Lots of 'WTF'

**Disclaimer:** Naruto is the property of Kishimotou Masashi

::Falling in love is a like a spiral; you keep going in circles, but with each moment, you fall closer toward the center, and each other.::

---

**uzumaki/spiral**

Chapter 2: Rumors are Vicious; Sasuke is Worse

"Uzumaki, we need to talk."

Okay, seriously, WTF, WTF all the way to the bank.

...Wow, I seriously need to take some medication.

"Uzumaki! Are you listening to me?", he said, saying each vowel like he was speaking to a kindergartener.

For all my brain cells, he most probably was. And I probably would have been offended, but right now, I was too stunned that the almighty UCHIHA was talking to lowly, unpopular ME.

Not even bothering to get my reply, he continued, "Uzumaki, what have you been saying about me...?"

I looked behind him and saw the entire class staring at us. Yes, even Shikamaru. And even that lazy-ass teacher, who sat around all day eating Oreos and drinking coffee while we suffered, yeah, she was listening intently too.

"'Che! Why would I even bother to talk about you? Almighty bastard of all bastards?"

Okay, I was sli--ightly lying.

See the thing is, I ki--inda spread this rumor around that Uchihas a, well... gay.

Yeah... gay. I mean, seriously! Look at the guy! He's pretty! I mean, PRETTY! Who describes a guy at pretty?! Sure, the fan girls may say he's 'cute', but we ALL know he's pretty.

Wait...

ARGH! I didn't mean that!

Well, getting back to that 'little' white lie, he even has the word 'uke' in his name! You tell ME that doesn't point straight to gay!

Hah... get it... 'Straight'...?

Nevermind.

So, back to the present.

"Like hell," he said, "That Sakura girl came bawling to me asking if it was true that I was gay! And I know YOU'RE the only one who... HATES me enough to SAY shit like that!"

What's this... Icicle Sasuke-bastard ACTUALLY CARES about what people think of him...? Everybody, hold onto your seats and don't shit your pants, because it's officially the end of the world as we know it. And, my God, he may ACTUALLY have... EMOTION! AHH!! Go ahead! Shit your pants! There's no hope for any of us! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!

Ahem. Back to the real world. That's the last time I'm going to sidebar, I promise. But then again, I'm a pathalogical liar.

"Well, I'm sorry Sasuke-sama," sarcasm dripping off my words, "but your genius grade logic must be wrong, because I said ab-so-lute-ly nothing about you."

Oh yeah, I OWN you all at lying.

The bastard pauses to stare me down for a moment, and apparently decides that I'm not worth his 'precious' time, and leaves.

He goes back to his little... flower arranging station thing, (after being mobbed by hordes of adoring fan girls yelling 'YOU'VE COME BACK FOR US!' and pushing his way past a particularly rabid sect). He looks at me again, and, being the gentleman I am, stick my tongue out at him.

I see what appears to be PINK(?!) staining his cheeks, and him quickly turning away.

I look behind me to see if there are any naked men making out behind us that would cause him to blush, but nothing.

Wow... this is going to be the 3rd and last time I'm going to use this this chapter, but, WTF?!

---

WHEE! Thanks for the reviews!! Hehehe…. I feel special. Gah… If I have bad grammar or spelling here, bare with it, I used up all my proper grammar spelling juice in the story. Fwee…

SORRY THAT CHAPTER IS SO SHORT! I promise the next one will be longer!

**Hieisbestbuddy888**Thanks! Hehe… flower arranging… IT'S A LEGITAMINT ARTFORM! …no it's not.

**Me: **cool… I'm 'unique' thanks!

**Iceheart19: **oops… OK, now Naruto has ADD. YAY! But it sounds really weird when In a sentence… oh well! Okie, thanks!

**Native Sakura**Thankies! Every update will be like… weekends and Tuesdays maybe… (probably not tho…)

**Kyuubi-kun**yeah, the flames will NOW be used to make marshmallows! And maybe hamburgers! Thank you too!

**Yaoilover S**Yay! Thankyou! (Insert something witty here, I'm drained…)

**Blue-Eclipse**wOOt. Another review! THANKS!

---

Read? Review?


	3. Ch3: Incident at the Crapatorium

**Author:** theshinykitty

**Warning**: CURSING(!!), Shounen-Ai

**Disclaimer:** Naruto belongs to the talented hands of one Kishimotou-san.

::Falling in love is like a spiral; you keep going in circles, but with every moment, you fall closer towards the center, and each other::

**---**

**uzumaki/spiral**

Ch3: Incident at the Crapatorium.

**---**

**Naruto POV-**

Lunchtime. The WORST time of day.

For me at least, but for Sasuke, it's more like some sort of... temple-ish... thing, what with all the fan girls feeding him grapes, and fanning him WHILE HE SITS IN A TOGA

NONCHALANTLY!!

Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a bit, but seriously, those fan girls peel and de-seed his grapes for him!

ARGH! I'd be lucky to get Shikamaru to even HAND me a grape!

But it's like I don't appreciate Shikamaru, y'know? He's a great friend... when he's awake...

So here we both are, at 12:45, sitting at some small, dirty-as-shit (the lunch lady usually takes this time to flirt with Sarutobi-Hokage) table in some obscured corner, and eating.

Well, I'M eating; Shikamaru is on the verge of death, trying to snap his chopsticks apart.

I swear, this is THE laziest kid you have EVER met. Well, actually, you've never met him, so he's the laziest kid you've never met.

Yeah, crazy people logic works.

So anyways, I'm getting pretty pissed off at his pathetic whining, and take mercy on him (or maybe me; 'cause right then, death by chainsaw was feeling pretty sensible), and snapped the damn thing open for him.

"Thanks, Naruto..." He half said, half mumbled.

Jesus H. Christ, even TALKING is too troublesome for this guy. One of these days, he's going to fall in a swimming pool, be too lazy to pull his ass out, and drown.

Did you notice that a lot of my sidebars and anecdotes are all very violent...?

Hm...

"So, Naruto, I heard you and that Uchiha kid fighting today," Shikamaru said to me as he rubbed his chopsticks together, created a small controlled fire on a glass plate with paper scraps on

it with the resulting friction from said chopsticks being rubbed together, speared a piece of sushi on one chopstick and started to roast it over the fire.

Wow.

That was... surreal...

Whatever the hell 'surreal' means.

I ignored his question, and stared. Half at Shikamaru's actions, half at the shiny fire.

He finally notices me staring at him and looks at me; as if I SHOULD'NT be surprised.

"What? I don't like raw fish."

I vaguely wondered why he didn't just buy cooked fish, but hey, we ARE Japanese.

"Why the hell do you care what me and Sasuke do?", I asked.

"...No reason."

Then, he smiled devilishly, and returned to roasting his sushi.

Do I have rice on my face, or something? Because I have NEVER seen Shikamaru smile so... devil-ish-ly before. _'Too troublesome to use that many facial muscles,' _he once told me.

Just as I was about to give my face a thorough slobbering, this weird kid walks up to me.

"Hey, Uzumaki, is it true that Uchiha's a homo?"

Rather blunt, are we?

I was about to reply, when I noticed a strange stench in the air.

"You smell like a dog," I said finally.

He then seemed to take it as some sort of compliment, rather than as an insult.

"Thanks," he said foolishly, as though I told him he smelled like a rose garden.

Been in one once; got banned. Who knew roses were so flammable?

"So IS Uchiha a homo?" he asked again.

Hehe...

"Yep," I replied, "100 per-cent grade-A homo-"

And THAT'S when I saw Sasuke standing beside me.

"-gonized milk is a lot better than soda!"

Please let that have sounded natural...

He glared at me; ready to rip out my still-beating heart from my chest and eat it, and take the rest of my body and chop it into little pieces, hide it in the floorboards, and claim the butler did it. Which he could, 'cause he's fucking rich.

So, in conclusion to my long rambling sentences,

I. Am. Fucked.

Fucked like when Iruka-sensei was locked in a room with Kakashi-sensei. Fucked like when you realize that the #1 Nin in the school 10 years running (since he was 3; bastard...) is

standing right behind you catching you red-handed calling him gay.

Dear God, Please let a fat kid fall through the second story onto on Sasuke's head right now.

I looked up.

Damn.

Looks like Chouji is also in the cafeteria.

Well, here's what I want on my epitaph;

"Naruto Uzumaki, XXXX-XXXX, 'Never call a guy a homo unless you know he's at least 10 yards away.'"

---

**Sasuke POV-**

Okay.

-Sakura asking me if I was gay.

Slight confusion.

-Sakura telling me that it was a rumor all around school that I was.

Violence meter going up.

-Having it click that Naruto was the most likely culprit.

Violence meter RAPIDLY shooting up...

-HEARING Naruto call me gay with my own ears,

VIOLENCE METER BROKEN!!

Oh... Naruto was going to pay... He would pay alright... PAY WITH HIS SOUL!

...Um... I'm not Satan. I promise.

"Okay... Naruto... TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!!" I was practically screaming now, with everyone was turned around to stare at me. For the second time this day.

I mean, I know I look like a (really good-looking) icicle-person with no feelings. But I DO feel some feelings.

But mostly only violent urges and/or anger.

You don't even WANT to know what happened to that stray dog that pooped on my brand new shoes that one time.

Let's just say that the sausage factory had a slight increase of materials...

...Ahem.

I wanted answers. And I wanted them NOW.

I kinda wanted a pizza bagel, too.

---

**Naruto POV-**

Response Choices and Likeliness:

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" (then run ass off) - 50 per-cent  
"Please don't kill me..." - 35 per-cent  
"No! Really! I was talking about homogenized milk! Honest!" - 14 per-cent  
"I want a pizza bagel..." - 1 per-cent  
"Yeah! I called you a homo! Do you wanna fight?!" - 0 per-cent

And just as I was about to scream and run my ass off, I heard a cracking noise above me.

I looked up.

And wouldn't you know it, a fat kid fell through the second story and right onto Sasuke's head.

I guess Jiroubou must have been standing in one place for too long.

Thank you, God.

---

**Sasuke POV-**

Pain.

That is what I felt.

Immense, fucking pain.

Pain like when you jump off a 20-story building with only one helium balloon.

Pain like when one large buttock is smooshing your perfectly coifed hair and perfect acne-free face into the dirty cafeteria floor.

OW.

I was seriously going to black out now. Half from the pain, half from the smell (of his butt; just wanted to be clear), and half because of the anger.

Yeah, I know that three halves don't equal a whole, but I'm pretty! We people don't have to explain!

---

**Naruto POV-**

If I ever doubted the existence of God, then smack my ass and call me Suzy, because I'm 150 certain he lives up there in the clouds now.

Did I just ask you to call me Suzy?

Okay, I'm not a cross dresser, just to tell you, but just for reassurance, don't look in the bottom-to-left-hand box in my closet.

So Jiroubou got up from Sasuke, dusted his whole self off, which, mind you, took a long time, and continued to eat his asbestos-covered doughnut (seriously, this school needs a shit-load

of repairs), and just waltzed right out of the cafeteria, with everybody staring after him.

Then, we all turned our eyes back to the 'prince' on the floor. It was like... simultaneous, I swear! It was like... CRAZY!

I'm serious, it's like the government sent some sort of signals into our brains, telling us to turn at the exact. Same. Time.

Weird...

So! I waited for Sasuke to get up miraculously, like the 'genius' he is, and pummel the living spit out of me, but, he just... lied there. Like some limp vegetable. Possibly zucchini; cucumber works well too. He kinda smelled like cat pee too.

OOH! I know you want to hear about what happens next, but too bad, instead, I have an intresting narrative about cat pee!

So here it goes;

Okay, I was sitting there eating my pizza bagels, right? And the doorbell rang. So I went to go get it, and there was this big, open bottle of cat pee right there. On the doorstep. Of my house. How anybody got a cat to pee in a bottle is beyond me, but they did somehow. So I took one look at the bottle, and the kid snickering behind the tree. Then, I put two and two together. It was four. But then, ANOTHER thing clicked, and well, let's just say that kid smelled like kitty piss for the rest of the week, and got beaten up by that Kiba kid quite often.

HOO-RAH! It's over! Now, you may get to the rest of my exciting and rambling story!

Okay, so Sasuke was lying there, smelling, and limp, and... Well all just... stood there. Stood there going, 'WTF...' for about five minutes. Yeah, there wasn't a lot of excitement in our lives...

So FINALLY, Shikamaru just says, "Um... Shouldn't someone bring him to the nurses office...?"

I guess the entirety of our brains went to Shikamaru; because we all just kept standing there, mouths open, wondering how the hell a fat kid could knock out their Sasuke-sama.

I sighed, picked the bastard up, and started to carry him out the door.

Gee, thanks for the help everybody.

I got out into the hallway and realized that he was actually pretty light. It also made me think that he kinda reminds me of a vampire; pale skin, freakish strength, and creepy gaze.

...Nah...

(Shifty eyes)

But JUST to be sure, I dragged him over to the open window; and shoved a sunbeam on his face.

...Hm...

No burning skin or anguished screams...

Damn.

Say goodbye to my plan of stabbing Sasuke in the heart with a stake and claiming I thought he was a vampire...

Oh well; there's always poison.

So I finally drag his skinny ass to Nurse Tsunade's office.

She takes one look at me and the 'Legendary Uchiha' cradled in my arms, and immediately says, "What the hell happened here, brat?"

I have two choices; say that I knocked him out and be considered all-powerful, or tell the truth; a fat kid fell on him and be laughed at.

Two for the price of one!

I'm about to regale Tsunade-baba with my wondrous tale of my regal smitation of the smelly Uchiha, when, my conscience decides to show up.

Yeah, I know, screw honesty and stuff, but I just couldn't bring it upon myself to squish that damned cute cricket.

IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF HIS TINY TOP HAT! GAH! It's adorable!

Sigh... truth it is then.

Okay... take a deep breath and prepare for the worst.

"A fat kid fell on him."

ARGH. Give it to me. If I can handle dragging a guy who smells like cat pee all the way to the second story Nurse's Office, then I can handle anything.

It first started as a small chuckle, then amused giggling, and then mutated into this full-fucking-blown laughter.

I'm surprised that Sasuke hasn't woken up yet from the sound.

I'm also surprised that he hasn't drowned yet, with all of the gallons of spit this lady is producing that is landing on Sasuke's face.

EW.

Remind me to wash my hands with soap. ANTIBACTERIAL, not that watered-down Megalomart crap. I'm serious; I got rashes from that...

It has now been 5 minutes. I think she has finally stopped laughing. Or it could be that I've gone deaf. My money's on the latter. But then again, I don't have money...

...I made myself sad...

"I'm serious! A fat kid fell on him!"

She wiped her eye, sighed, and said what seemed to sound like, 'Good times...'

She chuckled a bit more and finally said, "I know, brat." She gestured to the giant hole in her floor. I looked down through it and saw all the kids in the cafeteria STILL going; "WTF?" but with now nothing to stare at, they were milling about like ants, Sarutobi-Hokage behind them, trying to round them up and put them back into their proper classes.

She handed me a clipboard with a form on it. "Fill it out," she said. "Not about yourself, but about the patient; Sasuke."

It was a good thing she said that, because I was in the process of writing MY name in the area marked; 'Patient's Name:'. Hey, I was dropped on my head as a child...

But now, I realized, I knew nothing about Uchiha...

Crap... Time to bullshit it.

And so, by my mad form filling out skills, Sasuke was now 3 feet tall, 676 pounds, and 97 years old.

Oh yeah, and his name was now 'Sherlock Fitzernhousen'.

While I was filling out the form, Tsunade-baba was giving Sasuke a 'check-up'.

I say 'check-up', but I really mean 'ass-inspection'. Geez, even the old ones.

Seriously, what is with these girls? How do they distinguish between a 'hot' ass and a... I dunno... crappy ass?

I tried to find out once by comparing a few people's butts, but all I got was a couple of nasty bruises.

Lesson learned: Look, but don't touch. This goes double for guys. That Neji packs quite a punch.

"Okay Naruto, Sasuke looks fine to me," she then turned away to give some sort of perverted grin. "You can take him back to his dorm now."

"What?! I carried the bastard all the way here, now I have to carry him to his dorm?! Why can't you just keep him here?!"

"I can't," she said as she gestured to all the occupied beds within the room. "Somebody mixed Lithium Chloride and Arsenic together in chemistry today, and unleashed a poisonous cloud of Arsenic Chloride upon the class."

"Hey! I thought the Lithium Chloride was water!"

She stared at me.

Damn. I have to stop thinking out loud.

I sighed and grabbed Sasuke's arm and started to drag him away. The rolling chair he was sitting in fell in the hole in the floor, though, accidentally hitting Shino in the head.

I quickly dragged Sasuke the rest of the way out the door before somebody said something; there was no way in hell I was dragging Shino's buggy ass up to the nurse.

So I FINALLY got Smells-Like-Cat-Pee-san up to his dorm room.

How did I know which one was his? Simple. It was the one with all the presents and flowers by it, and things like; 'I took the hair from your brush, hope you don't mind' and 'I stole your underwear. I'll give it back if you'll be the father of my children.' scrawled upon the door in lipstick.

Creepy.

I opened the door.

Ho-lee Christwagons. His whole dorm was 3 times bigger than the one I shared with Shikamaru; and he's living here alone!

I was surprised a butler didn't come greet me and offer me an hors d'ourve as soon as I walked in the door.

Rich bastard. I briefly wondered how much his shoes were worth, and whether or not I should steal them.

I was right in the middle of dumping him unceremoniously on the bed, when something small and furry brushed up against my leg.

It was a fucking cat.

I. Hate. Cats. They scare/annoy the hell out of me, so when it (shudder) touched me, I freaked, and jumped on top of the bed.

RIGHT ON SASUKE.

EW.

And that's not even the worst thing, my mouth... was... right on top of... his... mouth. We... were... KISSING!!

ARGH!!

And it gets worse.

Just at that moment, that bastard decides to wake up.

Right in the middle of our lip-lock.

I'm going to need mouthwash, and bandages.

Quick.

---

Whew! Longest chapter yet is completed! (11 Pages!) And with a cliffy too. Hehehe...

It was hard typing this one up, so many run-on sentences, so many things that weren't even sentences at all (so many red and green underlines; It's like Christmas!!), and so many times that I wanted to write 'Shikamary' instead of 'Shikamaru'. I didn't proofread this one either.

Oh yeah, and I'm pretty sure Lithium and Chlorine would never combine, and Arsenic would never undergo a single-replacement reaction with Lithium Chloride. But Chlorine and Arsenic were the most poisonous (non-radioactive) elements I could think of… so, feel free to mix them together, because I'm pretty sure they won't poison you to death. But if they do, please don't sue me.

Gah...

Thank you to all the reviewers!! I can't post review replies now, 'cause the mother unit is telling me to go take a shower. Hehehe... THANK YOU AGAIN!!

Read? Review?(!)


	4. Ch4: Hi, This is Where I Live, Now Get t...

**Author: **theshinykitty

**Warning: **Shounen-Ai, Cursing, And no long Japanese phrases that most non-Japanese people would not understand.

**Disclaimer: **Naruto ain't mine

**!!OKAY!! Lets pretend, for the last chapter, I said it was DINNERTIME, not lunchtime!!** (Argh... I seriously got to start planning these stories out beforehand...)!!

…Wow… No one even pointed out the plot holes in the last chapter… w00t.

::falling in love is a like a spiral; you keep going in circles, but with each moment, you fall closer toward the center, and each other::

---

**uzumaki/spiral**

Ch4: This is Where I Live, Now Get the Hell Out.

---

**Naruto POV-**

Just to recap:

-I called Sasuke gay, he heard me.

-He got ready to beat me within an inch of my life, when a fat kid fell on him.

-Sasuke fainted.

-Took him to his dorm.

-I am now laying on top of him, and we are... kissing...

-Sasuke has just revived.

-I am fucked three ways 'till Thursday.

Deep breath...

AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111!!!!!one!!!11!!!1!!!1!!!!!seventy-two!1!11!!!1!!1!!11!11!11!!!!!

HolycrapholycrapholycrapholycrapholycrapholycrapholycrapHOLYFREAKIN'CRAP...

-DIE-

I mean,

-FAINT-

...I mean,

-BLACK OUT-

(Black out sounds manlier...)

**---**

**Sasuke POV-**

Man, that was embarrassing...

I got knocked out by Jiroubou... JIROUBOU!!

Hm... There seems to be some sort of pressure on my lips, and something heavy is laying on me... It can't still be Jiroubou, or I would be dead by now...

Better open my eyes...

......GAH!!

Uzumaki. Was. Lying. On top of. Me!! And he's apparently out cold.

Well, Okay, calm down... I'm sure nothing of _that_ nature happened. I still have plausible deniability on everything. Keep cool. You are a genius. You are pretty. You ARE the best. YOU CAN GET THROUGH THIS. (FEEL THE POW-WAH!)

Wait...

...Is that his lips on... mine...?

..................ARGH!! What have I done to deserve this injustice?! I swear, all those killings... I was FRAMED!!

After about five minutes of freaking out, I _finally_ push him none-too-gently off me.

And, he lands right on my cat.

ARGH!! I can't take it anymore!! Just get it over with, God!! Just smite me already!!

I finally stop ranting at God for a moment, and collect my wits.

Well, let's see the severity of damage to my now my charred, burning life, self-respect, and all those other good things;

-Got knocked out by fat kid: -30HP

-My kitty is on the verge of being a pancake: -20HP

-Naruto kissed me: -92384928401964928635982695862349865.001HP

And, is that cat pee I smell?

Anyways... First step; get Naruto OFF my cat, and OUT of my door.

I kick him.

...Damn. I was kinda just expecting him to just... not... be here... after I kicked him. I mean, that's what usually happens. But then again, I seem to remember a lot more... fan girls around carting the person away that I kicked... Hm... Learn something new every day.

Well, I must have done _something_ right, because he's moving a little, and then rolls off my cat.

_Thankfully_, Ko-chan is alive and... licking itself... in places...

**---**

**Naruto POV-**

So, I'm just walking along in my kitchen, and all-of-a-sudden, this lady pops out from behind the counter! She throws some unlit matches at me, and I die.

But then, five minutes later, I think, 'Hey... This doesn't feel like dying! What a jip!' And I revive myself to go to have some dinner, _but then_, some bastard decides to kick me in the side! I roll off of something small and furry, and open my eyes slowly.

OH RIGHT... I'm in Sasuke's dorm! Not a kitchen!

Ha Ha... What a crazy dream...

I sit there, chuckling like a knave for a few seconds, and I feel some weird sensation crawling it's way up my spine. No, it wasn't a caterpillar; not this time at least.

I turn around and see the evil, glaring eyes of one Uchiha Sasuke, ready to take each appendage of mine and stuff it down the garbage disposal in the sink, slowly, with a happy grin on his face.

And trust me, happy Uchiha is even WORSE than 'I'm brooding, leave me alone or I'll stab you in the heart with a broken pencil' Uchiha.

Oh yeah, getting back to the end of my life.

"EXPLAIN." He said in that, 'You had better move all writing utensils out of my reach, because I'm about ready to kill you' tone.

Deep breath…

"Er... Well.. See.. Okay, this kid fell on you and you blacked out and so I took you to the nurses office and she said that you were fine and she couldn't keep you there because somebody poisoned a lot of other students by mixing some crazy crap together and then so I took you up here and then a cat touched me and I freaked out and jumped on top of you and we were kissing and I guess I was so shocked that I fain- blacked out." (AN: …GAH! I want to go back and fix all the grammatical mistakes in this paragraph… but he's supposed to be talking fast… IT BURNS MY EYES!!)

Someone needs to invent breathe/talking, or at least get me a paper bag, because I think I just hyperventilated my self to death.

...Wait, what…?

He glared at me.

Damn, I should have lied and said I really was... Sakura... in disguise. A really crappy disguise…

And just then, I heard the door lock shut. From the outside.

...Oh, crap... Oh crappity crap crap.

LOCKDOWN.

It's mandatory; if you're not in your dorm by 9:00pm, then you're screwed. And if you're in someone ELSE'S dorm, then I guessed your screwed too. (That kind of defeats the purpose of lockdown in the first place doesn't it...?)

Oh well, the point is, I was stuck in Sasuke-bastard's room ALL FUCKING NIGHT.

With his creepiness, and the non-objection to murdering, and the millions of pointy sharp things he could kill me with... and the millions of non-pointy things he could also kill me with…

God, I fucking hate fan-service.

---

Fan-service!! YAY!! Sorry it's so short, will make next chapter longer; promise.

THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO REVIEWED!! I WAS HAPPY SO MUCH THAT I CRIED!! CRIED LIKE WHEN BUTTERFREE LEFT ASH ON POKEMON!! BUT HAPPY TEARS!! NOT SAD ONES!!

Okay, this caps-lock is hurting my eyes now.

But seriously, Thanks to all the reviewers!! Especially**Hieisbestbuddy888**, who writes such long pretty reviews! (Er… and no thank you… I… might have to punch you…)

Oh yeah, and to **Zizi**, Yeah, I know, I threw in my fair share of cheap jokes… but in all honesty, it's how I thought that Naruto and Sasuke would really react. YAY!!

I need sleep…

Read? Review?


	5. Ch5: If I'm Not Dead by Morning, Hand Me...

**Author: **theshinykitty

**Warning: **Language, Shounen-Ai

**Disclaimer: **Naruto me no own.

I tried to make Sasuke talk more... sophisticatedly than Naruto... but if you can't tell the difference, I don't blame you. Cuz I can't XD...

-VERB- denotes action.  
::AN: blah:: denotes Author's Notes.

---

**uzumaki/spiral**

Ch5: If I'm Not Dead by Morning, Hand Me a Knife and I'll Do it Myself.

---

**Sasuke POV-**

...Lockdown.

...Stuck in this God-forsaken room with Uzuamki Naruto, quite possibly the stupidest child on Earth. ALL NIGHT.

...Murder plans... hatching...

I let out a deranged giggle. In my head, of course. If I even tried to move my lips slightly upwards, I think my face would rebel against me and kill itself.

...Wait... Damn. He's probably one of those people that'll be missed... and looked for... CRAP.

-Sigh...-

Well, there is no way in hell that he's staying in MY room.

He'll mess up my perfectly arranged figurines!!

...I mean, my messily arranged... um... knives...?

Um... Yes. Knives.

Maybe he'll be stupid enough and try and escape by climbing out my 5th story window and fall to his death by his own accord...

...I don't think he's THAT dumb.

But, lo-and-behold, I climb out of the dark recesses of my mind, and see him trying to force the window open with a katana.

I give myself the mental equivalent of smacking my forehead on the wall.

...Wait...

Is that my family heirloom katana, forged by my ancestors, passed down from generation to generation, and passed down unto me by my father's dying wish?! (My father's still alive though; it turns out, it was just a paper cut, but he let me have it anyways.)

"What the hell do you think you're doing?!" I asked.

The urge to throw him into a million-degree oven was suddenly overwhelming me.

He looked back at me, surprised, and held the katana out to defend himself.

And that's when the blade fell off from the handle of the katana.

Hey, nobody said the Uchiha were GOOD sword-makers...

He yelped, and quickly bent down to pick up the blade to re-attach it.

And, the idiot picked it up by the sharp side, cutting himself in the process.

He screamed, and ran around the room, blood flying ALL OVER my 200 dollars a square-inch carpet.

...Please, someone, please, PLEASE get me a rusty carving knife so I can kill us both in a bizarre murder-suicide.

**Naruto POV-**

I have just realized that I am a complete DUMBASS.

Seriously, I'm like, at the verge of being dumber than a goldfish; and goldfish only have a 3-second memory span.

ARGH. Kill me now and put me out of my stupid misery.

And while I'm running around, blood flying everywhere, thinking about how I'm a complete and utter idiot, something large tackles me.

...I'm assuming its Sasuke; either that, or Sasuke's being robbed now, and the robber mistook me for Sasuke...

See? I AM stupid.

I look up to see Sasuke, sitting on top of me, evil rays coming out of his eyes, practically frying my skin.

...Mn... Frying...

"Stop running around like a fucking monkey, and SIT YOUR ASS DOWN!!" He yells.

...I don't think I've ever heard Sasuke yell like that before...

...Or have that many plot holes in his sentences... (Sit down? You're sitting on me...)

...Or even speak a full sentence...

This new side of Sasuke's scares me...

He gets off me finally and sighs, and pushes his hand through his silky, manageable hair.

...Damn, gotta stop reading those shampoo bottles instead of real books...

**Sasuke POV-**

...What the HELL AM I DOING?!

Why aren't I beating the shit out of to think of it... After all these threats of setting him on fire, and stabbing him to death, I don't think I've ever even punched him...

Could this... be me... subconsciously... liking...

Stabbing people...?

...Or... is it... me liking... HIM?!

I take one look at him sitting on the floor, trying to rip bits of my couch off to wrap around his wound.

...Hm... Not likely...

...Okay, whether or not I like him, or stabbing, or stabbing him is not the issue here.

The issue is trying to get through this night without major injuries, and/or major permanent psychological damage that can only be cured by years and years of visits to a psychologist.

::AN: ARGH! It sucks! After every POV change, is a perfect opportunity to stop... But, just 'cause my brain is just exploding with -ideas- (hehehe...), I guess I'll go on.::

**Naruto POV-**

I was still desperately clawing at his couch trying to get SOMETHING to stop this bleeding, when the bastard tosses a roll of bandages at me.

...WTF? Am I still woozy from loss of blood and the bandages were really a knife?

"Hey, idiot, the bathroom's to your left, get your hand cleaned up and get showered, I'll have a change of clothes waiting when you're done. You can sleep on the couch."

...Yes, yes, I AM still woozy and slightly delusional from the loss of blood because the Sasuke I know could never speak... so UN-self-centered-ly... Yes, a poltergeist MUST be residing withthin his brain, controlling his every movement, trying to lull me into a sense of false security, and then... y'know... doing... ghost-ly stuff... and... stuff...

I guess I'm showing my shock on my face, because he sighs and says, "No, I DO NOT have a poltergeist in my brain, I'm just trying to get through the night without any bloodshed, but I can see how THAT worked out," he gestures to my hand, which is now dying his beige carpet red.

I give his the shifty eyes, just to be sure, and slip discreetly into his bathroom.

Except that the bathroom door was closed, and all I ended up doing was making me into an even bigger dumbass.

D'oh.

**Sasuke POV-**

...Okay, he's been there for half an hour, and I'm hearing repeated 'Ow!' and many colorful curses coming sporadically. I don't even want to know what condition my bathroom will be in...

For his clothes, I set out one of my few non-uniform articles of clothing; it's a black shirt with the words 'A Perfect Circle' on it. And for pants, well, I'm sure he can fend off accusations that he's a transsexual and his 'Aunt Flo' has arrived.

For lodgings, he's sleeping on a couch that will soon go to the burners after he has used it.

I pick up a copy of 'Nin Monthly (Special KNIVES Edition!! Includes a real knife on the inside cover!!)' and start to read.

I'm currently immersed in the article 'Are Your Knives As Shiny As They Could Be?', and jotting down a few notes about cutting through the jugular, instead of the heart, for maximum cleanliness, when I smell smoke.

I run to the kitchen to see if I've left the stove on after cooking Pasta Primavera... I mean... Ramen...

But, no, it's off.

I follow my nose ::AN: To the flavors of fruit!:: to the... bathroom.

...How he managed to start a fire without matches in such a damp environment is beyond me, but he did it.

...Does this mean he's smarter than me?...!!

**Naruto POV:**

...How I managed to set a fire without matches in such a damp environment is beyond me, but I did it.

...Does this mean I'm smarter than Sasuke?...!!

Okay, well here's how it went:

Step 1: Be incredibly dumb. Check.

Step 2: Take a shower. Check.

Step 3: Get out of said shower. Check.

Step 4: Stand there in your all-together awkwardly until you realize that there is only one towel around (is that silk?), and that towel is embroidered with the words, _'Uchiha Sasuke_' written in loopy cursive that probably cost more than 5,000 generic brand NON-embroidered towels. ...Check...

Step 5: Realize that you would be beat to death with said towel if you ever laid your grimy, poor mitts on it. Check.

Step 6: Sigh and jump onto the counter and try and dry yourself by standing near the light bulb. Check.

Step 7: Having the 'genius' idea that if you could dry off faster if you removed it from the electric plug. Check.

Step 8: Realizing a moment too late that water (plus) electricity (equals) not good-ness, and flinching, and accidentally throwing it at the 'Towel of Life', and setting it on fire. Check.

Now, the fire was spreading everywhere, and I am trapped in my arch-rivals bathroom, NAKED, being eaten alive by the inferno, while all the while thinking if I do get out of this alive, I certainly won't be alive when Sasuke gets his hands on me...

---

Sorry, I just had to throw in a 'A Perfect Circle' plug in there... listen to '3 Libras', I COMMAND YOU!!

Not sure if Pasta Primavera (or if it even is an Italian dish) is spelled correctly (I'm not Italian, I'm Chinese!), all's I know is that I saw it on an Olive Garden commercial o-O

I thought I lost my WHOLE chapter thus far, but, thankfully I saved... whew... another crisis adverted... -looks heroic and such, while sitting at the computer in her tighty whiteys typing this- ...Okay, maybe not...

I didn't really like the last chapter… should I re-write it…?

Read? Review?


	6. Ch6: Passing Out Good Plot Filler

_**Author:** theshinykitty  
**Warning:** OOC, boy on boy love, and lots of fainting  
**Disclaimer:** Naruto not mine_

_...Should be doing my Science Fair crap now... Oh well! Writing stories about fictional male characters falling in love is so much funner._

**---**

**uzumaki/spiral**

**Ch6: **Passing Out - Good Plot Filler

**---**

**Naruto POV-**

You know, usually, I like fire. I find it to be interesting and pretty. It's also very useful.

For example: My roommate before Shikamaru was a total wanker. So, I set his bed on fire. Problem solved. I get a new roommate; Shikamaru gets a new bed. (Had to go to a few weeks of therapy though…)

But now, fire is very not good.

It is now turning Sasuke's clean, white bathroom into a lump of coal.

Curse me and my incompetence!!

The sink and the shower were both too far away to reach, so I grabbed the first clear liquid I saw and threw it at the flames.

...Okay; now the fire's spreading even faster... I looked down at the bottle in my hands.

...Damn you rubbing alcohol!! Damn you and your... water-like appearance!!

So, let's see, trying to put out the fire will only result in MORE fire, so now, I should probably concentrate on putting out my hair, which, too, has caught fire.

AH! DAMMIT! What did Iruka-sensei say to do when you've caught fire??

...Thinking is getting harder and harder to do, because the flames are now melting my brain.

C'mon... I must have stayed awake at least a few minutes in that lesson...

Shake, rattle, and roll? No... I don't think that's it...

...STOP, DROP, AND ROLL!! Brain, if we get out of this alive, I promise to stop hitting you on the wall so much!

So I stop, then I drop, and then I roll - right on top of some more fire.

I guess God decides to have mercy on me (if that's what you would call it...), because then, I passed out.

**Sasuke POV-**

The first thing I think when I see my bathroom turning into a burning inferno of smoke, flames, and all together not-good-feelings, is '...damn... my favorite towel is in there... and I just got it to smell the way I want...'

Then, after I see Naruto passed out on the floor, partly on fire and... naked... I think, '...damn... I hope he doesn't sue me... cause that's one fi-ine looking a- ARGH!!!!!!11!!11!1!11!!!'

...Okay... I'm going to pretend I meant Appomattox and not... whatever... I was... going to say...

SO, anyways, I get my beautiful head of silky, black-as-coal hair back in the game and decided to drag Naruto's sorry ass out of there.

See? I was about to say 'Naruto's fine ass out of there,' but I, being my awesome self, resisted.

…Ah, poop.

A minute later, I've got Naruto in his birthday suit hanging limply in my arms, while I stare at the fire which has spread through my whole dorm from the hallway and is now eating every episode of 'The Simpsons' I had hidden under my bed.

And then, I remembered my cat.

D'oh.

I prop Naruto against the wall, and run back inside.

…I'm too pretty to be doing this…

**Naruto POV-**

...Ow. My ass feels like I sat on a stove for a few hours. And this is when I notice I'm naked and sitting in front of a burning dorm.

Sadly, this is not the first this has happened....

I sit there for a few minutes like a knave until I realize I should probably do something about the fire. I slam down the nearest fire alarm, and... nothing happens.

Damn that janitor! I knew something fishy was going on when my faucet started to run blood that one time!

I then try and run down the stairs to get help, when I trip and fall over my own foot. I fall down the stairs, and, for the SECOND time this day, I black out.

Damnit!! I don't even WANT to know how this is going to affect my manliness quotient...

**Sasuke POV-**

I search frantically for several minutes before finally finding Ko-chan in the corner, with my slippers and the newspaper next to him, and a flower in his mouth.

Oh great, he chooses NOW of all times to be nice and useful.

Damn cats.

I scoop up Ko-chan, and run for the exit, dodging past falling ceiling blocks.

Ha ha... and my mom said playing Space Invaders would never help me in life. Well you were wrong! Wrong I say!!

...Ahem.

I'm almost out of the door, when the freaking door frame falls onto me, trapping me.

Damnit Sasuke! You cheaped out on the doorframe, but have a $500 footrest! If I get out of this alive, I'm going to smite myself.

I let go of Ko-chan.

"Ko-chan, go and find help boy!"

Ko-chan runs out into the hallway, and... falls asleep. While I'm being burnt to death. I knew I should have gotten that dog from 'Lassie' when I had the chance.

Well, so now I'm being roasted alive, Naruto is oddly nowhere in sight, and this has been an overall plain shitty day.

Fuck.

Well, I guess there's only one thing I can do.

I grab a bit of fallen ceiling and smash it on my head.

I figure if I'm going to die, I might as well die the way I came in.

Passed out, and smelling vaguely of cats.

---

_Sorry I took so long to get this chapter out! And I wish I could say that the extra time meant extra quality, ARGH! But it was the opposite. POOP!!_

_Anyways, thank you reviewers! Review lots and I'll have a longer BETTER chapter out next week. And no more fainting. I promise._

_Read? Review?_


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